Full circle


shocked when i discovered that i had done full circle in a place they say is infinite and i found my first blog so this was what memories it re triggered oh fucking joy

I find the never-ending circles we continue to chase our own tails around in throughout life, almost amazing.

It’s been literally years since I have walked out of this blog formally known as angels n demons, now renamed to dark angel, yet still somehow I find myself back in my original angel’s n demons blog.

At the time that this blog was started I think I was in a place where I was literally caught between myself and my demons, a place that still finds me at times, and binds me, as I re live certain events as though they were a movie playing in my mind’s eye.

Years have passed since the night I felt the cold hard steel as it was pushed into the side of my temple.

I remember pushing back into the hard cold barrel, as my ex threatened to pull the trigger.

I dared him to, I taunted him to, and then he did it.

Click

No bang no pain, nothing

What the fucking hell? You dumb c@nt was the words that I spat out at him like pure venom, part of me had wanted that god damn gun to go off and fucking end the total misery I was in, the other part of me was shocked he pulled the fucking trigger.

What the fucking hell was he thinking?

His eyes glared straight at me, his stare was pure hate, I knew this look, I had come to know it well.

Whatever I taunted, I’m out of here, as I went to walk out the front door, out of nowhere he grabbed both my arms, trying to pull them both up the centre of my back, I got my left arm free, sadly I didn’t free my right arm, as I felt this horrific burning pain through my neck back and shoulder, indescribable pain, turns out he had torn my rotator cuff, however despite this blinding agony I knew I was not staying in that house with him for one minute longer.

I knew if I did, that would be the last night I would see on the face of this earth, one or both of us would be leaving in a body bag.

‘you fucking go anywhere you slut, then kiss our kids goodbye’ he hissed, I stared right into his cold eyes ‘I swear to fucking god I will take them out with me you whore’ he spat, ‘I would rather them dead than be with you!’

I knew he meant that, where his hate had come from so icy, so adamant is beyond me, yet it was there, and it was now clearly evident.

As I walked out towards the gate he called out to me, ‘next time I see you, the bullet will be in the fucking chamber, I will kill you!’

The next time I had the pleasure of seeing him, I wasn’t alone, I had gone back to the house one weekend when I knew he would be out-of-state, and nowhere that he could surprise me and come out of the shadows as he often would.

So break and enter into my own house, as I froze in the lounge room, watching the movie of the night a few week earlier that he had held that cold hard steel fucking chamber to my temple, watching as it replayed in my mind, my heart racing my hands and voice shaking just wanting to leave get out of there, run, not look back, as I raced and tried to grab the important shit I knew I needed, or thought I needed.

I walked into my bedroom, there they were the black nun choux, that he had used around my throat more times than I can remember, the same black sticks that had given me countless black eyes, and on occasion fractured  my cheek bone, the torture fucking tools from hell on my bed just sitting there.

It was as if they had been put there deliberately to warn me to remind me, to get a message to me,

No way, I must have been paranoid, or was i?

I stood in that door way frozen, scared to go in, scared to move, and feeling so sick in my stomach I was sure I would vomit,

Somehow I got through that night, and took those fucking sticks with me, oh and all the furniture, microwave, pictures, jug, and fridge, washing machine and whatever else was mine, leaving him one chair to sit on and an empty house.

In the centre of the lounge room floor I left the telephone bill and the power bill then put my ashtray on top of them.

I took the phone that night too just for good measure,

The demons of the night still now to this day 7 years later haunt my nights, they terrorise my dreams, and I feel him as though he is here, I know he can no longer hurt me, god damn I know, but yet he does, he just does.

About Angel O'Fire

New Zealand born, this kiwi chick took flight to live in the great land down under in Queensland Australia in 1988. I am clumsy at times not known for my tact and or grace, straight to the point, and somewhat impatient, I have come to accept that what is in this life simply is. Far from religious, I do not believe in a divine god per say that will come down and save the world, although I accept each to their own when it comes to their views and beliefs of what religion is or should be. I consider myself to be my own worst critic as I tend to strive for best, and have a tendency to push myself physically and emotionally beyond my limits. Still naive at times, still hoping to see the good rather than the bad in people, this has not been one of the qualities that I can say I am fond of, as it has come to burn me time after time over the years. I am a strong believer in Karma, as I do believe in what we put out is what we do get in return, good bad or indifferent. With a tendency to stand my ground when it comes to opinions, as we all have one, there is no right nor wrong, it is a perspective, a view point on how we view a subject. Zero tolerance for others who are self-riotous, I have no interest in people who claim to have never done any wrong in their lives, and who judge others, prior to walking in those they cast judgement upon’s shoes. I am just your average girl who is trying to make my way through life as it is. I am a mother, lover, friend, partner, co-worker, manager, coach, and referee, a Jill of all trades. A firm believer that ‘ignorance is not bliss’ nor is ‘ignorance’ and excuse to be an arsehole in the world we live in today, those who continue to use the ‘ignorance is bliss’ rule are plainly arrogant and uneducated. I love the water, beach surf and sand, the water is where I seem to find myself when I need to take 5 mins out of life's hectic cycle. I figure that each to their own, as it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. I believe that life is not learnt out of a text book, and often wonder why we teach our lessons from one to our growing generations. Although I can be a surprising wealth of knowledge I find it amazing how a person can actually no so much about nothing, yet be a master of the topic. I am that girl who cuts her jeans into shorts because she got hot, am not one to enjoy shopping, in fact I hate the entire nightmare of going shopping and it has me fkd how so many chicks say 'lets make a day of it' and love bouncing from shop to shop looking at things that are well pointless. All in all that is me so hello world I'm Angel.
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