shocked when i discovered that i had done full circle in a place they say is infinite and i found my first blog so this was what memories it re triggered oh fucking joy
I find the never-ending circles we continue to chase our own tails around in throughout life, almost amazing.
It’s been literally years since I have walked out of this blog formally known as angels n demons, now renamed to dark angel, yet still somehow I find myself back in my original angel’s n demons blog.
At the time that this blog was started I think I was in a place where I was literally caught between myself and my demons, a place that still finds me at times, and binds me, as I re live certain events as though they were a movie playing in my mind’s eye.
Years have passed since the night I felt the cold hard steel as it was pushed into the side of my temple.
I remember pushing back into the hard cold barrel, as my ex threatened to pull the trigger.
I dared him to, I taunted him to, and then he did it.
No bang no pain, nothing
What the fucking hell? You dumb c@nt was the words that I spat out at him like pure venom, part of me had wanted that god damn gun to go off and fucking end the total misery I was in, the other part of me was shocked he pulled the fucking trigger.
What the fucking hell was he thinking?
His eyes glared straight at me, his stare was pure hate, I knew this look, I had come to know it well.
Whatever I taunted, I’m out of here, as I went to walk out the front door, out of nowhere he grabbed both my arms, trying to pull them both up the centre of my back, I got my left arm free, sadly I didn’t free my right arm, as I felt this horrific burning pain through my neck back and shoulder, indescribable pain, turns out he had torn my rotator cuff, however despite this blinding agony I knew I was not staying in that house with him for one minute longer.
I knew if I did, that would be the last night I would see on the face of this earth, one or both of us would be leaving in a body bag.
‘you fucking go anywhere you slut, then kiss our kids goodbye’ he hissed, I stared right into his cold eyes ‘I swear to fucking god I will take them out with me you whore’ he spat, ‘I would rather them dead than be with you!’
I knew he meant that, where his hate had come from so icy, so adamant is beyond me, yet it was there, and it was now clearly evident.
As I walked out towards the gate he called out to me, ‘next time I see you, the bullet will be in the fucking chamber, I will kill you!’
The next time I had the pleasure of seeing him, I wasn’t alone, I had gone back to the house one weekend when I knew he would be out-of-state, and nowhere that he could surprise me and come out of the shadows as he often would.
So break and enter into my own house, as I froze in the lounge room, watching the movie of the night a few week earlier that he had held that cold hard steel fucking chamber to my temple, watching as it replayed in my mind, my heart racing my hands and voice shaking just wanting to leave get out of there, run, not look back, as I raced and tried to grab the important shit I knew I needed, or thought I needed.
I walked into my bedroom, there they were the black nun choux, that he had used around my throat more times than I can remember, the same black sticks that had given me countless black eyes, and on occasion fractured my cheek bone, the torture fucking tools from hell on my bed just sitting there.
It was as if they had been put there deliberately to warn me to remind me, to get a message to me,
No way, I must have been paranoid, or was i?
I stood in that door way frozen, scared to go in, scared to move, and feeling so sick in my stomach I was sure I would vomit,
Somehow I got through that night, and took those fucking sticks with me, oh and all the furniture, microwave, pictures, jug, and fridge, washing machine and whatever else was mine, leaving him one chair to sit on and an empty house.
In the centre of the lounge room floor I left the telephone bill and the power bill then put my ashtray on top of them.
I took the phone that night too just for good measure,
The demons of the night still now to this day 7 years later haunt my nights, they terrorise my dreams, and I feel him as though he is here, I know he can no longer hurt me, god damn I know, but yet he does, he just does.