I am a Bitch


This week has been one of those weeks that seem to drag on and on, you know the ones, the ones that never fucking end?

After dealing with morons at the correctional facility to get information passed on to an inmate (for lack of better terminology) I discovered my self-having to argue my reasoning to some magistrate, who would decide if the information should be passed through to the biological mother of a life that ended on Sunday when she took matters into her own hands and simply put a stop to the hurt she could no longer face.

So me myself and my big mouth headed into the magistrate, with a bee in my bonnet, I was and am disgusted that a decision to tell a mother of her child’s passing is to be laid out in front of a judge, who will decide if it is the best interest of that inmate number one, and number two, how and who will continue the care for the inmate through the grieving process.

My fucking god, ok so number one piss off of the week was the entire suicide thing that I realised regardless of how much we try to prevent this tragic suffering of another, empathise and help someone to deal with emotions and memories that sometimes are too difficult for them to handle, I was forced to face the fact that I cannot save everybody all of the time.

Again another thing that pissed me off, the fact I had to admit that I am merely human and have god damn emotions.

Yes my emotions tend to flick from 0 to bitch in less than .2 of a second flat, and often this happens due to the stupidity of those around me at the time.

It’s not as though they have no warning signs, I mean shit if I am sitting down, my legs are normally crossed, and my foot begins to move up and down, which like a cat’s tail does get increasingly faster and increasingly obvious not to mention that due to the colour of my eyes, which are normally green, they will also be a dead give-away as they turn to pure emerald-green or black depending on just how fucking angry I am at that given point in time.

I dread that emotion of feeling lost, and crying the helpless one that no matter how or who we are or how long we may conceal and fight this dreaded emotion it does eventually surface.

None the less I fight that one with all that I have in me to avoid feeling not in control.

Therefore its flick into the on position with the bitch switch, as I let fly.

So a week of arguing with the so-called system of justice dealing with fuck knows what else at work, add to that having to be the one who is expected to have all the answers it is suffice to say that I am not in the best of moods right now.

To top it all off this week I got to experience once again as I do yearly the trigger to that fucked up post-traumatic stress disorder coming back to haunt me as the 8th anniversary passed since I said good night to a women who influenced my life more than words will ever say.

People seem to think that being me is fucking easy well let me say to anyone else out there in this sad sadistic world who wants to be me tries to be me or even clones me from time to time to pretend to have some delusion of fucking grandeur that they seem to think comes with being me, sucked in, being Angel is nothing like you imagined is it?

The illusion that people seem to have in their mind’s eye about what it is like to live my life, to be me, to do whatever it is that I do that they seem to want so desperately to do, or to be, is nothing like the picture their mind’s eye has painted, it must be a real kick in the balls to realise this reality.

As I semi half-smile to myself with this thought, and begin to think about getting on with the rest of a long-awaited fucking Friday. I feel slightly better for having vented my feelings out there for the entire narsastic world-wide web, as I take one of those deep breaths and collect my thoughts, moving back to the tide of life’s current.

 

 

About Angel O'Fire

New Zealand born, this kiwi chick took flight to live in the great land down under in Queensland Australia in 1988. I am clumsy at times not known for my tact and or grace, straight to the point, and somewhat impatient, I have come to accept that what is in this life simply is. Far from religious, I do not believe in a divine god per say that will come down and save the world, although I accept each to their own when it comes to their views and beliefs of what religion is or should be. I consider myself to be my own worst critic as I tend to strive for best, and have a tendency to push myself physically and emotionally beyond my limits. Still naive at times, still hoping to see the good rather than the bad in people, this has not been one of the qualities that I can say I am fond of, as it has come to burn me time after time over the years. I am a strong believer in Karma, as I do believe in what we put out is what we do get in return, good bad or indifferent. With a tendency to stand my ground when it comes to opinions, as we all have one, there is no right nor wrong, it is a perspective, a view point on how we view a subject. Zero tolerance for others who are self-riotous, I have no interest in people who claim to have never done any wrong in their lives, and who judge others, prior to walking in those they cast judgement upon’s shoes. I am just your average girl who is trying to make my way through life as it is. I am a mother, lover, friend, partner, co-worker, manager, coach, and referee, a Jill of all trades. A firm believer that ‘ignorance is not bliss’ nor is ‘ignorance’ and excuse to be an arsehole in the world we live in today, those who continue to use the ‘ignorance is bliss’ rule are plainly arrogant and uneducated. I love the water, beach surf and sand, the water is where I seem to find myself when I need to take 5 mins out of life's hectic cycle. I figure that each to their own, as it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. I believe that life is not learnt out of a text book, and often wonder why we teach our lessons from one to our growing generations. Although I can be a surprising wealth of knowledge I find it amazing how a person can actually no so much about nothing, yet be a master of the topic. I am that girl who cuts her jeans into shorts because she got hot, am not one to enjoy shopping, in fact I hate the entire nightmare of going shopping and it has me fkd how so many chicks say 'lets make a day of it' and love bouncing from shop to shop looking at things that are well pointless. All in all that is me so hello world I'm Angel.
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5 Responses to I am a Bitch

  1. suemacarthur says:

    Stay strong Girl,never give up and always walk tall
    Take care
    Sue

  2. Angel O'Fire says:

    thanks mum, you know me, just venting to get it out of my system I guess…….((hugs))

  3. Robbo says:

    Hi Angel, sounds like a shitty week was had,having let it all out embrace the weekend, have a good one!

  4. Angel O'Fire says:

    Cheer’s Robbo,

    I agree, one hell of a week, time to kick it off, catch up with it all, and breath, have a good one m8

  5. zeppath says:

    Angel,..at risk of the ever present interference from certain eyes online!..I have to tell you this,..It really does never cease to amaze me how strong you are girl!..and believe me I have no reason to say things that aint true to you,.coz I know from past experience seeing all you do and are over nearly 16, years that you make so very many sacrifices for the good of others, both publicly and in your private life too,..and all at your expense!…you put your own happiness on the back burner to help and care for others less fortunate!….24/7…and every day of the year!….In fact if you ask me,.it really is time you began to work on finding that peace and happiness that has eluded you for so long!…As I say,..I know I will be critised for “Not knowing you!”…but to be truthful,..it is only through seeing how strong, passionate determined and honest you really are, that I have realised how weak I have been for not speaking out sooner!…I can only hope you know and understand that I mean every word I say to you…also I do know that you inspire me to hopefully one day to be even half as strong as you are sweetheart!…and I do often use your example to inspire my children and family to be as caring, compassionate and dedicated as you!…
    Thank You again for all you are,..and will be!..xx

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