There have been times that I have had to make choices that have been the hardest choices that any mother, person, or human has had to face.
I live with those choices which had to be made due to the consequences of my actions somewhere along the road of life’s daunting track.
Learning to live alongside the demons that my actions have caused to be the outcome for me and mine has been the single most difficult thing I have had to do in my entire life.
When a mother is separated from her children for whatever the reason, she is left with such a deep dark and isolated hole, a void within her soul, an ache that no pain-killer will dull, no drug removes and nobody can fill.
Each and every day not a minute goes past that I do not think of my two eldest children who are in the process of coming home after 7 years of being separated, however thank you to a fucked up system and the vultures within the legal system namely the family lawyers who represent you in a case, alongside a fee of up to $75,000 plus, 7 years, 2555 days and counting I continue to fight the sever injustice that I was served.
Not by any government departments, or child welfare, my god that would make this ordeal at least somehow comprehendible, no it was my mother.
Yes my mum, and my piss weak dad, the man who was my hero turned out to be a fraud.
However none the less 2555 days and counting, I have somehow come to live alongside that I am and have done and am doing all that I can and all that is possible to fight the system who wrongfully allowed a grandmother to use a situation where she was supposed to protect her grandchildren from a violent manipulative alcoholic, the same man, who held a gun to her daughters head, and pulled the trigger, broke almost every bone in my body, left bruises that were so deep that the blood literally was pooling under my skin, behind my eye socket, you name it, yet somehow she manipulated the situation taking my babies to the other side of Australia.
Suffice to say, she has broken any consent orders in place, as I their mother did not consent, and now I fight again spending more money blood sweat and tears, to fight to get them home safely, and have her charged with contravening a court order, kidnapping and a list of other fucking wonders.
There was a point though this fucking nightmare where I was a total write off, it was as though everything that could go wrong, was going wrong, as I battled to simply keep my head barely above water.
Yes I admit I have had times where I have wanted to just give up, give in, throw my hands up and basically lay down and die, yet there has always been something deep down that has kept me from giving in, stopped me from just drinking myself into oblivion, getting written off on whatever drugs I could land my hands on.
This driving force has been my saviour.
No I am not referring to god, as many would somehow expect me to be referring to, sadly there is no god in my world that can fix this utter abortion gone fucking wrong.
Only I can do that, somehow drawing the strength to fight the devil herself as I put one foot in front of the other, and found that strength to keep going day in and day out.
Not a moment and I mean one minute goes by where I am not thinking of my babies, wondering what they are doing, hoping that they know I am thinking of them, hoping that they know I am doing all I can to get them home, and hoping that somehow someday I will be able to explain what I myself still struggles to understand, which is how this women this utterly cold-hearted, pure evil women, with no soul, managed to use my children in her final attempt to hurt her own daughter.
I have somehow just accepted she is who she is, nothing more, and nothing less, I have also accepted for the most part that she has serious problems within her mental health and stability and somehow over my life time she had tried to push her mental issues off onto me, making me think I was the one with issues.
Funny what a bit of knowledge can give a person, which is exactly what this no hoper as she would call me got, I unlocked a world filled with answers when I completed my bachelors in human behaviour, and phycology, I unlocked a wealth of knowledge when I further gained my bachelor of social work.
In school labelled disruptive, at home labelled a waste of space, a walking organ donor, my dad stating if I had half a brain I would be dangerous, well fuckers, guess what add the tumours I have that seem to function, and the knowledge I gained through finishing my formal education through university, yes me and university, with the added fuel to keep me going of knowing that I will win and get my children home and back into normality not the hell I grew up with, that was claimed to be fucking normal, I have unlocked the beast of karma.
So I suppose that we all do find strength somehow, somewhere in our darkest hours, in the hours we feel that it’s just futile to even keep trying and really wish by some act of fate that lightning would hit us out of nowhere ending it all.
Since finding out I had tumours, and dealing with the god damn acute panic attacks, the agoraphobia, fucking epilepsy, and a domestic violent relationship that could have and should have killed me, dealing with feeling like I had lost the plot and then some, I have also learnt that deep down inside me somewhere is strength a strength that comes from my soul, as I continue to work-study and deal with the family court bullshit, daily not to mention the morons within the political circus and somehow manage to keep focused on Choices as we grow change amalgamate to provide people who need assistance with the god damn fucking help they need not this bullshit church of the united morons bullshit that makes situations worse rather than better.
I am driven by what I know in my heart is right and I am so sick of seeing innocent people like me (I suppose) suffer because of the malice acts of those who use your pain for their own gain.
So there you have it one not so perfect and yes one fucked up angel, who keeps going, not because I want to but because I have to.