Home Sweet Home

For most the simple things like going out to the shops is no big drama, for me on the other hand, not only do I have this procrastination thing down to a fine art, the entire going out of my safety zone is something that I dread.

I am not exactly sure when the whole safety of locking me within the confines of my own four walls happened.

In fact I can’t remember how I used to be way back when I could class myself as whatever normal is, and just go out without the worry hanging over my shoulder of impending doom, yet not quite knowing what the impending doom was that weighed so heavy on me as I dragged it around my neck like a ball and chain.

Yet somehow this ball and chain grew heavier over time, to the point where the girl who used to light up a room when she walked in, turned into being the girl who made the lights dim.

No longer the light of the party the laugh of the group and far from the social butterfly I once was, I have somehow allowed the familiarity of my routine become the jail that confides me within it.

The doctors call it acute agoraphobia, to me that kind of sounds like some kind of funky name for a spider, however agoraphobia is far from any 8 legged insect, it’s a life sentence without the trial first.

Hence how I became the queen and I mean the number one in this world procrastinator.

In a world of organised chaos that somehow I seem to function within, and manage to get most of my work and god knows what else actually done, I have also managed to become a prisoner without realising just how much of a life sentence I had.

For me life is safe when I go the same way to a certain shop, when I have my routine and do what I do as I do it, should anything come between my daily rituals and routine, which is unexpected, it throws out my entire sense of self.

Sometimes even now I will find myself talking out loud to myself telling myself ‘I am ok, I can breathe’ as I somehow focus on the inhale exhale side of staying above ahead of and the hell away from one of those god damn panic attacks.

Most of the time from the outside looking in it would appear that I am together and organised, yet the reality is very different, yes I have an organised mess that I do know my way around, when something is moved, no matter how little the object may be, I know instantly someone has been pissing around with my things.

Finally after years of cocktails and potion’s I have finally levelled out on my medications, therefore this significantly reduces the seizures side of things for me, which I am thankful for, and manages the panic side of shit for me so long as I assist it from time to time, and yes medication for that good old adhd, crossed with god damn narcolepsy, what the hell happened?

One minute I was fine, the next minute I was a shaking spewing mess, waking up on the floor in public, with eyes staring at me from all over.

None the less, what is simply is, as I have learned to choke it down, and keep moving through life.

Although my work involves working with a lot of people from all kinds of backgrounds, cultures and beliefs, it’s still somehow within my safety zone, therefore I don’t really become that bothered when having to deal with the day-to-day shit, it’s just part of my everyday world now I guess.

But when I am faced with a situation of being not only out of my safety zone, but in the public world, it can get slightly overwhelming, as my heart begins to race, my blood begins to pump, I lose any and all focus on what I am doing, and just want to leave wherever I am and leave right that very second.

Hence why I avoid going into shopping centres crows, pubs and out in general to anywhere that I do not class as my safety zone.

For people out there who don’t suffer from any form of anxiety panic disorders and agoraphobia good on you, is all I have to add with a giant thumbs fucking up, you have no idea how lucky you are.

I say that without sarcasm too by the way.

We take it for granted how the things we see as small even insignificant can, and do change our entire world when they rock it, walking around telling ourselves that this would never happen to us, no way no fucking how, but one day that day nobody expects, out of nowhere, like being hit by a fucking bus, it happens and it happens to you.

For me the since 2003 I have fought with demons I would never have been able to imagine existed much less could actually touch my world, come into my life, screw it all up into a ball and kick it around playing football with me.

However that football team of darkness did come into my life, changing it forever.

I wanted to even tried to lay down and die, I went out on some hell benders and I survived the bloody things, which at the time pissed me off to no end.

The doctors all wanted to cut into my head like a coconut, which let me assure you was not going to and never will happen, and the prognosis from all the butchers out there was similar, they all tried to use their scare tactics and their statistics on my case, not once stopping to think hang on a minute, this is a person not a fucking number her case is unique, and no text-book seems to have any answers for this kind of physical injury that has resulted in such a delay of side effects in any human on earth.

No they couldn’t or maybe wouldn’t go outside their fucking boxes to see that I was not just another number or another epileptic with a brain acquired injury from years before, that somehow resulted in some stupid malformation growths that actually functioned, as opposed to what they were and are supposed to do, which is to actually cause a stroke, get blocked and basically similar to dementure and altzhimers calcify the part of your brain that they affect.

Well mine thankfully function; somehow my brain rerouted the blow flow to work with not against this ugly-looking worm like things that continue to grow within my brain, thank you very much to a fractured skull.

The effects of these stupid things well they could be worse, as I keep going day by day, and continue to prove those scientific freak doctors wrong, fuck tell me I would have no long-term memory if I made it to the age of 30, nor would I be coherent without a shunt being placed into my head, they wrote me off when I said no thanks, I choose the medication trail.

Each quack the same, each one stating that medication would only work potentially short-term, if at all, without surgery well I would be lucky to see the age of 30.

I took my chances, fuck what they said, that voice in my head screamed at me no surgery, so I stuck to the voices advice, today at the age of 36, here I am, still typing, driving, walking, forcing myself to go out of my safety zone, and working fulltime hours plus, with a better memory both long and short-term than I have had in my entire life. I have concluded that whilst the text books may be great paper weights, it’s about time the doctors out there updated and caught up with the world, because those books are out-dated and often misguiding.


About Angel O'Fire

New Zealand born, this kiwi chick took flight to live in the great land down under in Queensland Australia in 1988. I am clumsy at times not known for my tact and or grace, straight to the point, and somewhat impatient, I have come to accept that what is in this life simply is. Far from religious, I do not believe in a divine god per say that will come down and save the world, although I accept each to their own when it comes to their views and beliefs of what religion is or should be. I consider myself to be my own worst critic as I tend to strive for best, and have a tendency to push myself physically and emotionally beyond my limits. Still naive at times, still hoping to see the good rather than the bad in people, this has not been one of the qualities that I can say I am fond of, as it has come to burn me time after time over the years. I am a strong believer in Karma, as I do believe in what we put out is what we do get in return, good bad or indifferent. With a tendency to stand my ground when it comes to opinions, as we all have one, there is no right nor wrong, it is a perspective, a view point on how we view a subject. Zero tolerance for others who are self-riotous, I have no interest in people who claim to have never done any wrong in their lives, and who judge others, prior to walking in those they cast judgement upon’s shoes. I am just your average girl who is trying to make my way through life as it is. I am a mother, lover, friend, partner, co-worker, manager, coach, and referee, a Jill of all trades. A firm believer that ‘ignorance is not bliss’ nor is ‘ignorance’ and excuse to be an arsehole in the world we live in today, those who continue to use the ‘ignorance is bliss’ rule are plainly arrogant and uneducated. I love the water, beach surf and sand, the water is where I seem to find myself when I need to take 5 mins out of life's hectic cycle. I figure that each to their own, as it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. I believe that life is not learnt out of a text book, and often wonder why we teach our lessons from one to our growing generations. Although I can be a surprising wealth of knowledge I find it amazing how a person can actually no so much about nothing, yet be a master of the topic. I am that girl who cuts her jeans into shorts because she got hot, am not one to enjoy shopping, in fact I hate the entire nightmare of going shopping and it has me fkd how so many chicks say 'lets make a day of it' and love bouncing from shop to shop looking at things that are well pointless. All in all that is me so hello world I'm Angel.
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4 Responses to Home Sweet Home

  1. Scottie says:

    Hello Angel. Your brave for both your choice you made and the public way you approach it. I just this week had to tell my director why I couldn’t come to her house for the annual X-Mas party she throws. Too many people barely known if at all to me in far too small a place for the demons that live in my head. I was lucky. She understood and now that she knows she will not take it personal. But it is hard for me to tell others even in vague terms, yet you face it bravely. Hugs

  2. Angel O'Fire says:

    Thank you Scottie, but I am not brave, it’s simply a fact, a part of life that I have adapted to, I may not like it, I constantly fight it, yet it is the way it is, no amount of fighting what I have will change it, only I can adapt around it, I still have this terrible time trying to say out loud, I am an epileptic, damn anyone would think I had some kind of catchy disease, I figure it would be easier to stand up and say I am an alcoholic, than to admit to having epilepsy, but it is the way it is, my body sure does let me know when I have over done it, and yes like you I am guilty of pushing myself past my limits, to achieve what I have my mind set on, however at the end of the day, my body tends to win, especially when it simply shuts down and forces me into sleep, rest, a form of submission. ((hugs)) honey, all my thoughts are with you, I know how hard it is to admit our mere human weakness’s.

  3. lizabeth says:

    I too have epilepsy, although I’ve never had a grand mal seizure. Some people find the word scary…as if I might suddenly collapse in a heap at their feet. Agoraphobia has also been an issue with me and, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why or exactly when it started. I’ve been reading up on the correlation between epilepsy and anxiety disorders, depression, etc., mainly just to help me gain some type of understanding. I too feel you’re brave, even though I know you don’t feel that way. It’s true, we do what we have to in order to deal with the issues life hands us, but I see a fierceness in you…a fierceness it seems I used to have more of. Anyway, thank for for posting this, and take care.

  4. Angel O'Fire says:

    Thank you for your comment, yes people do find it scary, and I do totally understand why,

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