In a world filled with uncertainty, speculation and theories I have concluded that all the speculation, theories and possibilities the reality of life is each breath we take is one breath closer to our last.
At the end of the day when the sun goes down and the moon raises in our nights sky we look up at the magic glow that the stars hold, and wonder is there more out there?
There are times I am sure we all question our existence and times we all feel hopeless in this world as we flounder through day-to-day, sometimes I am sure we all have a sense of worthlessness that is added to a feeling of misplacement as we wonder how we are where we are and question why we are there.
Every day words like normal which has been changed to natural for the sake of political correctness, and usual which has been changed from same again for the sake of political correctness whatever that stupid word means, are words that people will attempt to use to let another know that things that they are questioning even feeling are alright.
Sometimes things are not alright, nor are they ok, yet we are told by others that they will be ok, things will work out, others who don’t live inside our bodies or live our lives can say till there blue in the fucking face that it’s all going to work out and that we are going to be fine, it’s not until we reach that point ourselves where we feel some sort of level ground under us once more that we realise that things are at a level we are comfortable with and are reasonably sound.
When a fine crystal vase is broken, no matter how much we try to glue the pieces back together, the fine lines will always remain. When something is broken whether it’s a crystal vase, our hearts, or our spirits no matter how much we try to glue it back together, no matter how hard we try to carry on with our daily lives as though things are normal, those cracks always remain.
All the clichés and affirmations on the face of the earth do not change how things are.
The positive thinking, the positive reassuring one’s self, really does it mean jack shit? Or is it just a way we have found to keep that glue binding those things that we have used it upon to keep them stuck together as we fall apart rapidly?
Over the past several weeks I have concluded that we cannot change the way things in our lives are, we cannot fix the world as we may want to and sometimes no matter how much behavioural modification therapy we may choose to take, or how many band aids medications we may use to chemically mask our cracks, those cracks are simply there, once we are broken, we are never going to be the same as we were before.
No amount of counselling talking, working through things, changing our behaviours is ever going to change what is.
Fooling ourselves in order to live life and keep going is basically what we are doing, nothing more nothing less, we all battle the demons we have inside us regardless of what these demons are, we all have them.
We all fight to keep going day in and day out, which makes me wonder, what are we battling for?
When I look up at my night sky and I see those stars glowing down, I wonder to myself, why the fucking hell did my parents not use god damn birth control the night they gave me this gift of life, that I didn’t fucking ask for!
That’s not selfless, no fucking way, that’s selfish, yet somehow, my entire life, I have been called the selfish one.
I sigh as I see the moon shining and the stars flickering before I walk back inside, and I think what a fucked up world.