Sigh


In a world filled with uncertainty, speculation and theories I have concluded that all the speculation, theories and possibilities the reality of life is each breath we take is one breath closer to our last.

At the end of the day when the sun goes down and the moon raises in our nights sky we look up at the magic glow that the stars hold, and wonder is there more out there?

There are times I am sure we all question our existence and times we all feel hopeless in this world as we flounder through day-to-day, sometimes I am sure we all have a sense of worthlessness that is added to a feeling of misplacement as we wonder how we are where we are and question why we are there.

Every day words like normal which has been changed to natural for the sake of political correctness, and usual which has been changed from same again for the sake of political correctness whatever that stupid word means, are words that people will attempt to use to let another know that things that they are questioning even feeling are alright.

Sometimes things are not alright, nor are they ok, yet we are told by others that they will be ok, things will work out, others who don’t live inside our bodies or live our lives can say till there blue in the fucking face that it’s all going to work out and that we are going to be fine, it’s not until we reach that point ourselves where we feel some sort of level ground under us once more that we realise that things are at a level we are comfortable with and are reasonably sound.

When a fine crystal vase is broken, no matter how much we try to glue the pieces back together, the fine lines will always remain. When something is broken whether it’s a crystal vase, our hearts, or our spirits no matter how much we try to glue it back together, no matter how hard we try to carry on with our daily lives as though things are normal, those cracks always remain.

All the clichés and affirmations on the face of the earth do not change how things are.

The positive thinking, the positive reassuring one’s self, really does it mean jack shit? Or is it just a way we have found to keep that glue binding those things that we have used it upon to keep them stuck together as we fall apart rapidly?

Over the past several weeks I have concluded that we cannot change the way things in our lives are, we cannot fix the world as we may want to and sometimes no matter how much behavioural modification therapy we may choose to take, or how many band aids medications we may  use to chemically mask our cracks, those cracks are simply there, once we are broken, we are never going to be the same as we were before.

No amount of counselling talking, working through things, changing our behaviours is ever going to change what is.

Fooling ourselves in order to live life and keep going is basically what we are doing, nothing more nothing less, we all battle the demons we have inside us regardless of what these demons are, we all have them.

We all fight to keep going day in and day out, which makes me wonder, what are we battling for?

When I look up at my night sky and I see those stars glowing down, I wonder to myself, why the fucking hell did my parents not use god damn birth control the night they gave me this gift of life, that I didn’t fucking ask for!

That’s not selfless, no fucking way, that’s selfish, yet somehow, my entire life, I have been called the selfish one.

I sigh as I see the moon shining and the stars flickering before I walk back inside, and I think what a fucked up world.

About Angel O'Fire

New Zealand born, this kiwi chick took flight to live in the great land down under in Queensland Australia in 1988. I am clumsy at times not known for my tact and or grace, straight to the point, and somewhat impatient, I have come to accept that what is in this life simply is. Far from religious, I do not believe in a divine god per say that will come down and save the world, although I accept each to their own when it comes to their views and beliefs of what religion is or should be. I consider myself to be my own worst critic as I tend to strive for best, and have a tendency to push myself physically and emotionally beyond my limits. Still naive at times, still hoping to see the good rather than the bad in people, this has not been one of the qualities that I can say I am fond of, as it has come to burn me time after time over the years. I am a strong believer in Karma, as I do believe in what we put out is what we do get in return, good bad or indifferent. With a tendency to stand my ground when it comes to opinions, as we all have one, there is no right nor wrong, it is a perspective, a view point on how we view a subject. Zero tolerance for others who are self-riotous, I have no interest in people who claim to have never done any wrong in their lives, and who judge others, prior to walking in those they cast judgement upon’s shoes. I am just your average girl who is trying to make my way through life as it is. I am a mother, lover, friend, partner, co-worker, manager, coach, and referee, a Jill of all trades. A firm believer that ‘ignorance is not bliss’ nor is ‘ignorance’ and excuse to be an arsehole in the world we live in today, those who continue to use the ‘ignorance is bliss’ rule are plainly arrogant and uneducated. I love the water, beach surf and sand, the water is where I seem to find myself when I need to take 5 mins out of life's hectic cycle. I figure that each to their own, as it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. I believe that life is not learnt out of a text book, and often wonder why we teach our lessons from one to our growing generations. Although I can be a surprising wealth of knowledge I find it amazing how a person can actually no so much about nothing, yet be a master of the topic. I am that girl who cuts her jeans into shorts because she got hot, am not one to enjoy shopping, in fact I hate the entire nightmare of going shopping and it has me fkd how so many chicks say 'lets make a day of it' and love bouncing from shop to shop looking at things that are well pointless. All in all that is me so hello world I'm Angel.
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6 Responses to Sigh

  1. I follow your articles on a regular basis with interest and admire the honesty of your thoughts and words… your thoughts and words as you are are inspirational… Take care Angel

  2. Angel O'Fire says:

    Thank you Stephen,
    I just say it how I see it is all……..

  3. Beautiful, honest thoughts, from a beautiful soul….
    Celeste

  4. OnX says:

    I can relate to your perspective all too well. As I’ve mentioned on my own blog, my mother died this past February and left a big, fat, hot mess of an estate. I knew that she was having problems of some sort, but I couldn’t get any support from her brothers to get her help. Instead, she called them to intimidate me. She should have known better. I don’t intimidate easily and I got in her oldest brother’s face BIG TIME.

    So, here I am, sitting in a bed that I might be allowed to keep when the bank forecloses on the house. I’m hoping to make a deal, but I have no idea whether that will be possible.

    At any rate, this past July 4th was one long weekend. It was the longest holiday weekend (in the U.S.) that I’ve been without her. That’s when it all hit me and I collapsed in a ball of wails and tears that have been building since I held her cold, beautiful, lifeless hand in the emergency room of a world renown hospital where she died basically because she didn’t take her heart defect seriously enough and neither did her doctor.

    I’ve been diagnosed with major depression among other things for so long that I can’t remember when I wasn’t seeing a therapist. Some of the crap they say isn’t worth the air it took for them to talk. As you mentioned, they haven’t walked in my shoes. They don’t know what it’s like to be a black woman who has multiple physically disabilities. Platitudes are a substitute for keeping your mouth shut and listening. Really, a lot of the time, that’s what a “patient” needs most–someone to simply *hear* what they are saying.

    Sometimes patients simply need a hug to know they aren’t alone in the world. That’s one of the demons I fight on a nearly daily basis. I don’t have a lot of friends because I’ve been in and out of hospitals so much this past decade. It’s hard to have a social life when you can’t walk because some cutter split you open to either put something in or take something out. My last surgery required both. I had tumors growing in the lining of the joint of my knee and very bad osteoarthritis as well. We all knew the knee would have to be replaced, but the tumors made it very urgent. The funny thing is that I really, really liked rehab. I was sorry to leave, but my insurance ran out and I was essentially restored. I missed my babies, but the rehab hospital allowed them to visit, so we could see each other quite frequently considering the circumstances.

    Now that the dam has burst and will continue to have cracks so that the tears may flow, I’ve realized that I have an opportunity to do something I’ve always wanted to do, but I’m doing it a year or so earlier than planned. Now, I’ve got to scramble and build readership of my other blog so that I can show the venture capital community that what I’m planning is sound and based on readership I already have. I’m sure I can do that, but I have to write a business plan and I’ve ALWAYS hated those. But, if it gets me what I need, then I’ll do what I have to do. Some of that will be incredibly difficult emotionally, but as one of my uncles said, “You do what you have to do to survive.” I’ll be judged very harshly if anyone finds out what I’m doing, but this is survival. I’ve never had a very strong survival instinct, but I also won’t allow my furbabies to be trotted off to kennels where they could end up euthanized. *I* would die first!

    Anyway, that’s how I manage. Most people really don’t understand me, so I’m not sure I’ve been of any help here at all. If not, sorry for wasting the space.

  5. Scottie says:

    Hello Angel. Angel I understand we have a limited ability to change the world and those around us, but I disagree that we can’t change our lives. And for the better. I decided in my young 20’s I did not want to be the person those who tormented my young life wanted to make me. To give into them, to be that person, meant they win. So I became the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be a person of compassion, love, honor, and strength.

    I see the many horrors you have lived through in your writing, yet you also changed who you were, and in doing so became a true angel, helping so many more who did not have your strength and ability. And in a way that does make the world better. Many Hugs

  6. Angel O'Fire says:

    OnX,
    Thank you for your reply to my sigh blog, you have not wasted any space in sharing your comment honey, grief is one of humans most shitty emotions no other emotion possibly compares to it, especially once our lives are changed forever due to the loss of someone we love,
    Doctors in my opinion are glorified drug dealers writing out there scripts to be filled by their runners the chemists meanwhile hoping to shut us the patient up by chemically putting a band aid on things to patch up our broken spirits, sadly those band aids don’t stick, and when we end up sucombing to the raw emotion that burns which causes all sorts of other issues to come to the surface.
    It’s a loose loose situation, one that no time takes away the pain, it just dulls the ache, adjusting to life outside of those hospitals is kind of like adjusting to main stream life outside of jail,
    I think that its fantastic that you have realised the opportunity to do something, your uncle is right, it is a matter of doing what you have to in order to survive,
    Feel free to email me, love to catch up with you take care
    Angel

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