Just when you think that you have things in life pretty much sorted out in the back of your mind, boom, bang, fuck me it’s all happening all over again.
that old feeling of having been here before and done this shit already seems to come crashing back to the forefront of your mind, as you find yourself standing back in front of that same old same old mirror that place you know you have been before and done this whole thing only to find yourself repeating it all over again.
For me this boom bang harsh slap to the face called reality was discovering that I am pregnant again.
After finally coming to terms with, maybe even accepting that babies for me now would be my grandchildren, I had decided that I was too old to have any more children, and was more than happy with the way my 5 year old has grown and continues to grow each and every day.
Ready to accept that babies would be in the form of my grandchildren, and somehow accept the fact I had entered early menopause, the lethargic non motivated sick in the stomach every day I was experiencing had just become part of the normal day to day for me as I got up got on with and kept somehow moving through each day of my mundane and routine life.
So overlooking the most obvious reason for my above mentioned symptoms coupled with major mood swings and tears, the thought of pregnancy never crossed my mind.
The most obvious reason women feel the way I was feeling somehow became less than obvious to me, as I overlooked the whole pregnancy thing and ignored the signs I was being given by absolutely everything and everybody in my world.
Jesus Christ even my god damn goats could see that the hormones raging out of control through me were hormones of an expectant mother, however I ignored their obvious gestures there biting and there change of personalities around me, I took their blatant bull shit to be them not loving me anymore as I decided that they were all bastards.
Truth is the goats knew I was pregnant, they know when that time of the month is near, and they react in their way in their manner, trying to tell me what was going on.
My son knew, as he would boldly announce how mum was getting a fat stomach, however the answer to his obvious rude insult was a sharp voice telling him not to be so fucking rude.
Turns out he was doing what kids do and being honest, yes mummy’s tummy was changing it was getting bigger, why? Well that’s easy, because mummy has a little person growing inside of there, however mummy was just a moody snappy cow who took this comment to heart, feeling fat frumpy and tired, as she pushed on daily.
Sore boobs, tired beyond belief and feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach with no period for months should be the alert that any women needs to realise that years of unprotected sex (often) would lead to the end result sooner or later of the tiny patter of feet.
Ok so obvious and I are not really close when it comes to life overall, and yes miss naive, miss blind and miss short sighted that I am sometimes chooses not to see the obvious in any situation in life, and continues to walk around with her eyes half fucking closed to the reality of how it is and how it is going to play out.
Maybe that is the child in me still, maybe that is the safety blanket that I somehow cling to in life to get through it, who the fucking hell knows all I know is yesterday looking at the ultra sound screen with my man and my son in the room with me, had to be one of my all-time complete moments in life.
Finally the way having children having a family having a relationship is the way I had imagined it all to be a trillion years ago when I had shacked up with some dick head, who I accepted more than less from in some sort of attempt to not be alone, in some sort of desperate plea to have that white picket fence I had played out in my mind since I was a child, that perfect relationship with a man I was so in love with and who loved me back that child that was the bees knees, who was my whole world and then some, that complete white picket princess fucking dream all girls have, was a razor wire electrified fence and a nightmare, nothing like the dream I had in my mind.
I did what I do best and persisted in some vain attempt to make a non-functional toxic relationship work in the way my mind had played out so many times growing up, I was determined to change what was into how it should be come hell or high-water, not once stopping to see that the harm it was doing would be harm that could never be repaired, hurt that would never be healed, and lives that would be forever changed and this toxic relationship fail I had created would be an event in my life in my world I would have to learn to accept and live alongside later in my life.
Yet finally here I am feeling the flutter in my stomach of a baby kicking as it grows each and every day, feeling tired and knowing why (now) and feeling proud.
Although my age is a concern to me to say the least, I have finally started to steer away from dr Google and the online horror stories of pregnancy after 35, the complications and the risks that people publish, and I have begun to accept that everybody is different, regardless of who they are, we as women are built to carry children, and we do so well, fucking hell we have carried children in utero since the beginning of time, so age really is just a number similar to statistics and percentages out there that keep the world going around and around with researchers changing shit on a regular basis to suit their own needs and the needs of governing bodies across the world.
At the end of the day I am grateful to finally be with the father of my children the man I love with all of my heart, who loves me back just as much, who makes me laugh who knows my moods my voices my tones my looks, and my sighs, he knows me in more ways than I could have ever imagined possible which is something I am glad of.
I am both thankful and proud to be carrying our baby although yes this time around I am scared I am nervous I am apprehensive but I am happy.
So with each flutter I feel inside me, i will quite often pause and put my hands on my stomach, smiling, thinking to myself how honestly lucky I am to get this opportunity at this point in my life, as I enjoy the feeling of a tiny human growing inside of me, knowing that this truly will be the last time for me that I will be pregnant again in this life time and enjoying it rather than dreading each and every step you go through.
I am grateful that I have found that person in this world who is that one I want to spend eternity with, who I want to share my days with who I am able to be myself around and know that no matter what or who is in our worlds, he sees only me in front of him as I see only him, we are building our family together raising our children and living our lives no matter how shitty they get or what crap we have to deal with, we have one another to get through the good the bad the ugly and the trying times.
The cliché of better late than never really rings through my mind right now, as I sigh and think to myself thank god it happened to me late as opposed to never, so I am able to enjoy what is, not wonder or wish for what should be.