Just Want To Scream


There are so many things we take for granted, I mean everyday things, like brushing our teeth, having the strength to brush your hair wash your face even get out of our pj’s much less struggle with the battle of getting out of our beds.

Taking a shower without having to need somebody watch over us in case we somehow goes head  over tit and through the shower glass, thanks to some blacking out spell we may have encountered.

Then theres the other things we seem to bitch and whinge about daily hanging out our washing, going out of the four walled prisons that hold us as we fool ourselves into somehow thinking that these walls keep us safe.

Safe from what? I question myself on this theory considering I have agoraphobia and this acute fucking fear of crowd’s places people oh yes and fucking crowds.

Yet my prison cell somehow holds some form of safety within the four walls, some kind of fucked up reasoning that my brain tells me is how it is so I go along unwillingly to challenge my thoughts, for fear of the unknown.

I don’t know the downhill spiral of over working coupled with the bullshit of doctors and medication or lack thereof has somehow made me question the entire vitality of so very much.

What’s the fucking point really?

Is there a fucking point? No I doubt that there is, its one continuous cycle of bullshit after bullshit,  and having to find a baby sitter to watch over some fucked up grown up in case I have some kind of fit and go through the glass in my own god damn shower.

Oh fuck no don’t have a bath, in case I go under and literally drown.

Or in case I don’t realize the temperature of the water and end up with third degree burns followed by fucking hypothermia.

My god, I can relate to the frustration that old people feel right at this point in time as I type from my bed on a lap top computer that continues to zap me from time to time, due to some loose fucking wire In it somewhere, as I roll my eyes I figure I have had my vent, and I wonder why the fuck ii don’t  own 3 cats, and why they fuck haven’t I turned into the crazy fucking cat women yet?

Yes frustrated, yes feeling probably sorry for my sad arsed self, but totally fucking over being me!

About Angel O'Fire

New Zealand born, this kiwi chick took flight to live in the great land down under in Queensland Australia in 1988. I am clumsy at times not known for my tact and or grace, straight to the point, and somewhat impatient, I have come to accept that what is in this life simply is. Far from religious, I do not believe in a divine god per say that will come down and save the world, although I accept each to their own when it comes to their views and beliefs of what religion is or should be. I consider myself to be my own worst critic as I tend to strive for best, and have a tendency to push myself physically and emotionally beyond my limits. Still naive at times, still hoping to see the good rather than the bad in people, this has not been one of the qualities that I can say I am fond of, as it has come to burn me time after time over the years. I am a strong believer in Karma, as I do believe in what we put out is what we do get in return, good bad or indifferent. With a tendency to stand my ground when it comes to opinions, as we all have one, there is no right nor wrong, it is a perspective, a view point on how we view a subject. Zero tolerance for others who are self-riotous, I have no interest in people who claim to have never done any wrong in their lives, and who judge others, prior to walking in those they cast judgement upon’s shoes. I am just your average girl who is trying to make my way through life as it is. I am a mother, lover, friend, partner, co-worker, manager, coach, and referee, a Jill of all trades. A firm believer that ‘ignorance is not bliss’ nor is ‘ignorance’ and excuse to be an arsehole in the world we live in today, those who continue to use the ‘ignorance is bliss’ rule are plainly arrogant and uneducated. I love the water, beach surf and sand, the water is where I seem to find myself when I need to take 5 mins out of life's hectic cycle. I figure that each to their own, as it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. I believe that life is not learnt out of a text book, and often wonder why we teach our lessons from one to our growing generations. Although I can be a surprising wealth of knowledge I find it amazing how a person can actually no so much about nothing, yet be a master of the topic. I am that girl who cuts her jeans into shorts because she got hot, am not one to enjoy shopping, in fact I hate the entire nightmare of going shopping and it has me fkd how so many chicks say 'lets make a day of it' and love bouncing from shop to shop looking at things that are well pointless. All in all that is me so hello world I'm Angel.
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3 Responses to Just Want To Scream

  1. EAGLE says:

    I so Hate reading these type of blogs by you baby … I understand the frustration of all this . maybe not to the full extent as from your point of view . But hearing seeing and feeling every minute of it with you. As I do my best to try and fix what I can , to try and Bring back the loving Happy Girl . The confident . Amazing Girl that We love to be with . All the dr’s and all the chemists , Have no idea What you go through When all they worry about is the consultation money . And the red tape they might have to deal with to help ….It was a dr discretions that came up with the prescription to help control this condition , So why the hell should it be so hard to follow what has worked (well mostly) so far … simply investigating the condition and the treatment that has done the job , Should show them who knows what works and what wont . You

    Its you with this .Its you living it , It’s not at all common , so how could anyone question it , Its not like they could know any better … It pisses me off to no extent , the ignorance and down right rudeness of these so called professionals .
    That have more concern about procedural requirements then the real person sitting across the desk from them needing their help …

    And then we have the best support from the supplier of the help , But unfortunately His hands are tied by the unwilling dick head , behind that desk that has now forgotten about you and is writing a prescription for some drugo that don’t need it . For some drug that can be abused and turned into something they aint even heard of yet ….

    ANyway I know its hard baby but please try and be positive and patient , We will get there again . like we have before … And don’t ever forget Our Boy And I love you to bits

    Your Eagle Your man
    Oh and your Little man too

  2. Scottie says:

    Hello Angel. Sending you as much strength as keeping you in my thoughts will provide. I think you have tapped into, created for your self, a special grace that lets you deal with all your issues and still be there for your family and others who need you. That you can have such an important, positive impact on others while dealing with what life has dealt you, that shows a strength of spirit and a grace of person deeper and more lovely than I can imagine. many hugs.

  3. The Emu says:

    One day at a time girl, no sense rushing to your grave in frustration
    An Emu saying
    Dont try to be the sickest person in the cemetery

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